Doctor What?
by TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel
Summary: After watching Doctor Who, Harry decides that a time machine is the best way to defeat Voldemort. AU, sixth year. Complete. Crack!fic.


**Title: Doctor What?**

**Author: TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel**

**Pairings: None**

**Summary: After watching Doctor Who, Harry decides that a time machine is the best way to defeat Voldemort.**

**Setting: Summer after sixth year, AU.**

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all associated characters etc belong to JK Rowling, may she live forever. The Doctor and the TARDIS come from Doctor Who, which belongs to the BBC.**

**Author Notes:**

_No idea where this one came from. I know that the 2005 series of Doctor Who is an anachronism, but I hope you'll overlook that._

_I mean no offense to Christopher Ecceleston, Ninth Doctor._

**DOCTOR WHAT?**

* * *

Dudley grunted and went to the cupboard to get a packet of potato flakes as the epispode ended.

"Billie Piper is so hot," he muttered. "Don't know what she sees in that big-eared guy."

In the hallway Harry Potter stood, marvelling at what he had just seen.

"A time machine," he said to himself, "if I had one of those, I could get anything I needed."

So with the Doctor as his role-model, Harry began thinking. He decided that if anyone had a time machine, it was the Department of Mysteries. He planned accordingly.

-

"This is a stick-up!" a disguised Harry Potter yelled as he entered.

"Perhaps I should have planned that better," he mused as he was _enervate_d from the effects of multiple stunners. He found that he was in a darkened room and tied to a chair, with a hooded figure watching him. "Yep, I should."

"Who are you and what do you want?" the figure demanded.

"Harry Potter," Harry replied, thanks to veritaserum, "and I want a time machine to help me defeat Voldemort."

"Why didn't you just ask?" the Unspeakable rolled his eyes as he released Harry, "we'd be happy to help you out. We have so much trouble getting volunteers for experiments like that, ever since Raven came back with his head and right arm swapped over during our alternative transport tests."

"Oh," and Harry wondered if he should reconsider.

Nah.

"What kind of time machine do you want?" the Unspeakable asked.

"I want it to look like a police phone box on the outside," Harry said immediately, "but huge on the inside, with lots of rooms and a control room."

"Ah," the Unspeakable nodded wisely, "a TARDIS. Come back in a month and ask for the Fox, we should have converted one of our current models by then."

"Okay," Harry agreed. "In the meantime, do you have any way to stop the Ministry knowing when I do magic?"

"Sure, we've got a medallion you just hang round your neck and it masks any magic you cast. All you have to do is fill out a feedback form. Here, take two."

"Great," Harry cheered, "You'll be sorry Dursley's."

-

A month later Harry returned looking well-fed and properly dressed.

"What do you want?" asked an Unspeakable, wand trained on Harry's heart.

"I'm here to see the Fox," Harry explained.

"The Fox?" squeaked the Unspeakable, "very sorry sir, please don't report me."

Harry made his way to the Fox's office and stuck his head in, pulling it back as a Killing Curse missed it by a millimeter.

"Damn," Harry cursed as several locks of hair withered and fell from his head, "what was that for?"

"Oops," the Fox apologized, beckoning him in, "sorry about that, I've got paranoid reflexes."

"And I've got dead hair," Harry grumbled. "How's the time machine?"

"Great. Your TARDIS is this way."

Harry followed the Unspeakable until they came to a workshop with a large police phone box standing in the middle of the floor.

"Here she is," the Fox announced, "the TARDIS. We rewired her so that she's magically sentient, like Hogwarts for example. Just fill out this form, this form and this form."

"_By signing this form I, the undersigned, acknowledge that the Dept. of Mysteries is not responsible for any cognitive difficulties, memory problems, misplaced body parts temporal/special anomalies or any other form of injury incurred whilst using the experimental product,_" Harry read. "That sounds kind of ominous."

"Oh," the Fox dismissed Harry's concerns with a wave of his hand, "the legal wizards have these forms for everything, they're just the usual insurance forms and things. You'll be fine."

"They want to know if I want to be buried or cremated instead," Harry insisted, "this sounds kind of dangerous."

"Just sign the bloody forms," the Fox snapped, "do you want the TARDIS or not?"

"Yes," Harry said meekly, signing his name in seventeen different places. "TARDIS, girl, here we go!"

The TARDIS vanished with a strange, whirring _vworp vworp_, Harry inside.

"Pity," the Fox sighed, "I really liked him, too. Still, he did insist on having one."

-

_/Hello/ _said a voice inside Harry's head. He screamed like a girl.

_/It's just me/ _the voice sounded annoyed. _/Honestly. I'm telepathic, aren't I?/_

"TARDIS?" Harry asked cautiously.

_/Yep/ _she agreed_. /Nice to meet you Harry, let's go someplace./_

The TARDIS materialized in the middle of a large back yard where a red-haired teenage girl was flying aimlessly.

"Harry?" Ginny said in shock.

"Hi Gin!" he said cheerfully. "I'm traveling through space and time. Want to come? You can be the feisty sidekick that talks sense into me and whom I occasionally need to rescue."

"Sure," Ginny agreed. She and Harry walked into the phone box.

"Great. Oh, by the way, don't call me Harry, I'm the Doctor now."

"Doctor what?" Ginny wanted to know as the TARDIS relocated in time and space.

-

"So where are we?" Ginny asked as she and Harry walked outside.

"No idea," he said confidently, "but I think the future."

Ginny gazed around at the hovering speeders and strange machinery that littered the street.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious."

"It's the Doctor now, Ginny," Harry chided as they set forth.

"In your dreams, Harry."

"Let's see Diagon Alley," Harry decided, "I want to see if wizarding society has advanced any. They might have something that can take care of Voldemort."

"Why worry about Voldemort?" Ginny wanted to know. "Just go back in time and stop him from being born."

"I don't know," Harry said with a frown, "I think that would damage the space-time continuum or something."

"And if it did, would that be your fault?" Ginny pointed out. "No one told you not to."

"Lawyers logic," Harry cheered. "You're fulfilling your role of talking sense into me very well."

"Thank you Doctor," Ginny smiled, "Let's go have some fun."

-

They pelt back into the TARDIS and slammed the door three hours later.

"_For Merlin's sake, go!_" Harry screamed. "Anywhere, I don't care, just away from these crazy people!"

The TARDIS obediently dematerialized away from the angry mob.

"Wow," Ginny voiced what both of them were thinking, "who knew the Hufflepuffs were secretly building an army all these years?"

"Or that they would get that mad just because someone broke Helga Hufflepuff's magic mirror?" Harry agreed. "Okay, so we snuck into their base to get to it, but still."

_/You really do attract trouble, don't you? They told me, but I didn't believe that anyone could really be that much of a victim of Kismet./ _The TARDIS paused, and when she next spoke her voice was full of mischief. _/Travelling with you should be interesting, at least./_

"Amen to that," Ginny said weakly.

-

After a week of traveling, Ginny was reading in the console room when Harry bounded in.

"Nice coat," she commented.

"Thanks," Harry beamed. The dark leather made him look pale and handsome. "I was thinking, isn't it about time we did something about Voldemort? Then we can travel around all we want without worrying about it."

"I wasn't worrying about it," Ginny pointed out, "but okay."

"TARDIS away!" Harry said excitedly, "into space and time, Little Hangleton, 1913!"

"Why 1913?" Ginny asked as they dematerialized away.

"Well," Harry replied, looking through his pockets for something, "Riddle's mum'll be eleven then. She was never allowed to leave Little Hangeton, not even to go to Hogwarts, and spent all her life being bullied and knocked around by her father and brother. I figure that if I take her way, set her up with a nice family and pay for her to be educated at Hogwarts, she'll settle down with a nice wizard somewhere and never go feeding Riddle senior love potions. Ah!"

Harry grinned and pulled out a small object that Ginny craned her head to look at, but he closed his hand and grinned at her.

"Let's go!" he announced, and went striding outside. Ginny rolled her eyes and followed.

"So, who are we looking for?" Ginny asked as they walked.

"Thin, brownish hair, eyes that look in opposite direction," Harry replied, beginning to walk out of the village. "Probably scared looking and dressed in old clothes."

"Like her?" Ginny pointed. Harry whirled to look at the small face watching them from behind a tree. The girl squeaked and made to run.

**::Wait!:: **Harry said in Parseltongue. The girl stopped in her tracks, looking frightened.

**::You must be Merope.:: **Harry kept his voice friendly. **::You probably haven't heard of me, but I'm a distant cousin of yours.::**

Merope watched him warily.

**::How would you like to go to Hogwarts, Merope?:: **Harry coaxed. Merope backed away. **::Do you want to leave your father, and Morfin?:: **he suggested compellingly. **::I know they're not nice to you, Merope. Do you want to go live with people who are kind, and caring? Want to go to Hogwarts and build a life of your own?::**

Harry held out a hand, eyes looking into her face. **::I am willing to make it happen, Merope.::**

Merope hesitated, then came forward to take his hand.

**::You'll look after me?:: **she asked.

**::I'm afraid I can't, but I will make sure you're with people who will:: **Harry promised seriously.

-

The three of them walked back to the TARDIS.

"Ginny, find some clothes for Merope," Harry said happily. "We're going to get you some nice clothes to wear, sweetie."

'Sweetie?' Ginny mouthed, but smiled at the little girl.

"I never thought that the Doctor accidentally feeding me that de-aging potion would turn out to be a good thing, but the dresses I wore then should fit you nicely. Come on, let's find you something."

_/A bath./ _The TARDIS said firmly. _/She needs a bath first. You can find her clothes while she's bathing./_

"Okay," Ginny agreed.

While Ginny went off and looked after Merope, Harry thought.

"Okay, 1913, Dumbledore'd be…wow, eighty." He thought about that for a minute, "so when Riddle was at Hogwarts he'd have been in his hundreds. Man, wizards don't age quickly." He shrugged. "Eh, I'll just visit Hogwarts and see if he's there."

The TARDIS travelled and Harry stepped put into the headmaster's office.

"Who are you?" headmaster Phineas Nigellus demanded. Harry shrieked and stepped back into the TARDIS.

"Okay, I'll have to do this without Dumbledore," he told himself, "uh… who'd be willing to take on an eleven year old girl? Wait…"

-

The TARDIS materialized yet again, and Harry stuck his head out, "Hi! You're Nicholas and Perenelle Flamel, right?"

"Yes," confirmed the startled alchemist.

"Great," Harry was jubilant, "would you be willing to look after an eleven year old girl during the holidays and send her to Hogwarts? I've got money to pay for her schoolbooks and stuff."

"Who are you?" Flamel demanded.

"A time traveler from the future trying to prevent a war," Harry replied, "She's a bit odd-looking but she's nice really."

"I always wanted to have children," Perenelle mused, "this is the only way I ever will now. What's her name?"

"Merope," Harry said happily.

"Lovely! Nicholas, tell Twinkle to prepare a spare bedroom for her," Perenelle ordered.

"Hey Doctor," Ginny appeared leading Merope by the hand, "is that Nicholas Flamel?"

"Yep," Harry agreed. "Wow, Merope, you look nice." She looked different in nice clothes and her hair tied back - almost normal, Harry decided.

"Merope, these are the Flamels, they're going to look after you."

"Good heavens," Perenelle was filled with sympathy, "what peculiar eyes you have, child. Nicholas, stop muttering and fetch the dear girl a chair."

"Well that went well, Harry told Ginny cheerfully, "let's go see what our time is like now."

-

The two of them stepped out and were immediately surrounded by suspicious Unspeakables.

"Who are you?" demanded one.

"It's me," Harry explained, "the time machine worked really well, we stopped Voldemort from being born."

"What are you talking about?" the Fox asked, irritated, "I've never seen you before in my life."

"Uh, Doctor," Ginny tugged on his sleeve, "We've changed the future too much."

"To Hogwarts," Harry decided. "Sorry to have bothered you all, we'll go now."

At Hogwarts they immediately found themselves watched by hundreds of eyes.

"Oops, Great Hall," Harry noted. "Hey, is that me?" he asked in shock.

"It's you," Ginny confirmed, "No one else has that hair. Look, I'm sitting further down, and Ron and Hermione are at the Gryffindor table."

"We've written ourselves out of the timeline," Harry realized, "damn, I knew changing history wasn't a good idea."

"Who are you," Professor Dumbledore called out, "and why are you here?"

"This is Ginny," Harry replied, leaving out an introduction of himself, "And can you tell me what happened to Merope Gaunt after she started at Hogwarts?"

"She graduated with honours, became an eminent alchemist like her foster father, and began Gaunt Apothecaries," Dumbledore was puzzled, "and now chairs the company. She married Edward Potter in 1925 and they had a son, James, who married Lily Evans. That's her grandson over there, Harry, and her granddaughters Rose, Jasmine, and Violet."

"Merope Potter," Harry muttered in shock, "thankyou very much professor, we'll be going now."

"Wait," Dumbledore wanted to know, "who are you?"

"I'm the Doctor." Harry entered the TARDIS.

"Doctor what?" but the TARDIS was already vanishing, leaving the staff and students mystified.

"Odd," Jasmine Potter said.

"Yeah," her older brother agreed. "Pass the potatoes."

-

"What will we do?" Harry looked aghast, "our lives are no longer ours?"

"We've got the TARDIS," Ginny pointed out, "why not travel like we planned?"

"But what about your family, your friends?"

"It's worth it if it means no Voldemort," Ginny was sad but practical," and everyone lives peaceful lives. There's a Harry Potter out there who lives happily with his family, who doesn't need to fight dark lords."

"Whose house is Slytherin and his grandmother Merope Gaunt," Harry muttered.

"And a Ginny Weasley never possessed by Tom Riddle," Ginny finished firmly. "Tom never existed here, just think how many lives you've made better. Wormtail never betrayed anyone, Sirious never went to Azkaban, Cedric Diggory is still alive. Imagine what Snape would have been like if he'd never been a Death Eater, Doctor."

"Still a git," Harry said with conviction.

"Yes," Ginny agreed, "but not teaching, which is another way you've made the world a better place."

As she smiled at him, Harry smiled back, leaping to his feet.

"How do you feel about visiting Paris?" he asked brightly.

"Great," Ginny smiled.

_/Make sure you bring me back a souvenir this time/ _the TARDIS ordered as she careened, spinning, through time and space to their next adventure._ /Last time I didn't even get a hat./_

**THE END**

**AN:**

**Don't know where in Merlin's name this came from. Inspired by Rorschach's Blot, and nonjon. **

**Check out 'Harry Potter: Bad Wolf' at for a similar, less-lighthearted melding of HP and Dr Who. (**.?act=read&storyid=6381**)**

**Sequel on its way!**

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